Generic Laments of a Twenty-Something Year Old

2026.03.18

The greed they talk about in the bible is a persistent hunger for knowledge incompatible with capitalism's desire to put people into specialization boxes. I want to learn many, many things and I want to work on many, many projects in my lifetime. I want to make myself a home server. I want to tinker around with a cheap spare laptop to the point where I am desensitized to BSODs. I want to play around with Arduinos and Raspberry Pis. I want to relearn Mathematics from scratch. I want to study Anatomy and Physiology so I finally understand why my friends in the medical field despair over it. I want to pick up martial arts. I want to land my hits during a paintball match. I want to win debates against finance bros about the stock market. I want to learn how to shuffle and cut cards to the point where no one would trust me to deal cards.

Most of all, I want to create stories. I want to make comics, books, video games, and zines. I want to fill this site's Projects section with complete works that I am proud of.

Yet, I can't. Rather, it is extremely difficult for me to do so. My persistent executive dysfunction combined with the dread of securing a stable job in this economy makes it hard for me to focus on one thing, let alone check off multiple things I want to do. Every time I try to work on something, I either feel like I'm not good enough to monetize it or like I'm wasting my time because I can't monetize it.

I have become much less bearable to be around because of how pervasive this is. Rather that discuss ideas or observations, I default to venting or half-jokes alluding to this. I can't even think of interesting things to write for this site; I originally signed up for Neocities to make a soundboard for my thoughts. While my peers are also figuring out life, they still manage to get things done. Meanwhile, the most I do nowadays is go outside and buy alcohol because surprise, surprise, I can't access mental health care at this point in time.

Nothing I do feels like it matters.