Mathematics, My Star-crossed Lover

2026.02.27

If someone had pitched Mathematics to my high school self as "different ways of thinking" or even "real life magic runes," then maybe I would've developed an interest in it strong enough to salvage my career prospects. Alas, I learned too late. The most I can do now is read papers in my (limited) spare time.

I envy those who naturally developed curiosity for STEM subjects; I developed an allergy to then. These subjects often came hand in hand with academic achievements, and nothing fries my reward system quite like external recognition. If the primary reward recognized for studying these subjects was be a medal or congratulations, then I figured that meant there was no lasting merit worth speaking of. Whatever extra effort I put into would be disproportionate. Naturally, my younger self didn't bother with such lousy prizes.

It sucks because this dumb way of making kids study more deterred me from appreciating all these different fields. It especially sucks balls because I am naturally inclined towards tinkering with frameworks and systems - I developed an entire paracosm for that very purpose.

The adult world has many variations of this ineffective means of motivation. Follow this career path for prestige, learn to code because "AI is the future," exercise for gains and not because moving around is fun. Unfortunately, I'm the type of person to find motivation in progress rather than results; when the reward is marketed to be found in the result, I am robbed of the opportunity to set a much bigger reward for myself. Capitalism, the product-hungry behemoth it is, truly is the root of all evil.

Maybe I am just difficult to pitch things to. Again, I am in dire need of a diagnosis.